The "I WILL NOT'S" of 2011

This is the time of year where everyone makes New Year's Resolutions and they talk about them on their blogs. And when they aren't talking about them on their blogs, they are telling everyone they know about them. Like how they will weigh 50 pounds less next year because they are going on the rice and water diet. Or how they will stop playing video games or drinking Dr. Pepper. ( Are there other soft drinks out there?) Sometimes, you hear resolutions from a few nut jobs who let you know they are done with sweets or reality television. (Obviously, someone needs to show these people a good time. Sit them down with a Dr. Pepper, a piece of coconut cake, and an episode of Teen Mom and they should come to their senses really quick!)

My mother always got annoyed when I was growing up because she couldn't stand hearing people drone on about the New Year's resolutions they weren't going to keep. At one point in my childhood, I thought it was unGodly to make them.......that's how much my mother detested New Year's Resolutions, and I am not joking. Sometimes I would secretly make resolutions because I never understood why they were so bad. Isn't that hilarious? I think I was just a little bit confused. But then, one day, I saw the light and it changed my life.

When I was in seventh grade, I remember this cute floral-paper memo pad I had gotten for Christmas. My grandmother had gotten for me, and I couldn't wait to write all sorts of things in it. When New Year's rolled around, I decided on a resolution that would involve my notebook. I decided that I was sick of my big, bubbly cursive handwriting. I wanted elegant cursive handwriting. So I practiced writing the way I decided was prettier and it has actually stuck all these years!

However, in honor of my mother, who detested resolutions, I have decided to list the things I WILL NOT do in 2011. Here is a list of the things I have learned in this past year that will not be repeated in the next year.

1. When entering the Atlanta Target store from the parking garage and while on an escalator, I WILL NOT act surprised when someone mentions that the Target store is directly above the parking garage. I will take note of the subtle clues around me....the windows above which clearly show check-out lanes and people strolling around the store with their carts, the fact that it would be pointless to have a parking garage unless the store was built above it, and also, the fact that I have been in the store and ridden the elevator and/or escalator up to the store many times.

2.I WILL NOT assume that I can get home from church without the GPS. Even though, we have gone to the same church for a while now and only a couple turns are involved, I cannot make it to church without my trusty GPS. Lesson officially learned when the journey home one day ended up taking me 40 more minutes than the usual time.

3. I WILL NOT decide to try new recipes when I am obligated to bring food to any event. I WILL NOT do this EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER! It turns me into stressed psycho, and I refuse to become a stressed psycho ever again.

4. I WILL NOT buy cute and/or awesome gifts for White Elephant gift exchanges. I always walk away with total crap, so I plan to give total crap from this day forward. And I'm serious. I've already got a pile of my dog's crap ready for next year's exchanges. OK, maybe that's a lie. But I, Amy G., will pick my own gifts from gift pile from this day forward. I think.

5. I WILL NOT randomly declare it "What Can You Whip Up In a Week" on my blog. Though, I recognize the fact that I am the dictator of my children and my blog, the massive piles of laundry overtaking the laundry room will not go unnoticed by my anal, clean-freak husband. I must find some other random declaration for next year which does not involve neglected housework. It also should probably not involve cleaning scissors, as I thoroughly enjoy the skin on the tips of my fingers on a daily basis.

6. I WILL NOT wear a rain hat when it rains. I WILL NOT wear a rain hat when it rains. It's small. It's handy. It folds up neatly in your purse. It keeps the rain off of your head and would make carrying children in the rain a breeze. It is cheap. I mean, the list goes on and on. I am convinced they are the best kept secret of all elderly women and would love to wear one myself. But I have been forbidden. When I mentioned to my sister-in-law the handiness of rain hats, she made me promise not to start wearing them. She was utterly mortified by my fondness for these most miraculous little hats. Because my desire to wear one is so strong, I must say these words to myself each and every time it rains..."I WILL NOT wear a rain hat. I WILL NOT wear a rain hat!"

7. I WILL NOT excitedly tell my best friend and her husband about the museum they have to visit with me in town without doing two things...#1. Figuring out how to get there. The fact that I have been there numerous times prior means absolutely nothing to this girl with absolutely no internal compass. #2. Make sure the museum is actually open on the day I decide to take them. Driving around town for a long time and finally getting there to discover it is closed is not impressive. I want Michelle to be my Best Friend Forever. It is situations like this which could potentially cause her and her husband to question the "forever" part.

So there you have it. My list of seven things I WILL NOT do in 2011. Why, seven, you ask? Well, seven is the number of perfection, and I plan on being perfect in 2011. OK, not really. I could only think of seven things, and I consider that a good thing because I'm pretty sure I have done way more dumb stuff that that this past year!!!

In reality, I am super-excited for 2011 and have made a real resolution in honor of the new year. (I hope my mom doesn't have internet access up in Heaven because she would be really disappointed in me right now. hee hee) God has blessed us so much in the past year, and I am so excited to see what He has in store for us next year.

If you have any New Year's Resolutions of things you WILL NOT do in 2011, please leave them in the comment section. I would love to read them. It might also help me not feel like a complete moron who obviously has no clue how to get anywhere unless I have my trusty Tom--Tom with me!! And I'm serious. Leave a comment. Show the world that you are an idiot too!

The stressed psycho look I want to avoid.

Me in my rain hat which I WILL NOT wear in public!! It is only a costume accessory. While it may be nifty, it is not flattering. Let me repeat, I WILL NOT wear my rain hat in public.

Mental note: The museum is closed on Monday. (I'm not sure if it was this moment or the nonstop hysterical laughter that ensued on the first night I met my BFF's husband that scared him more!)